Thúy Võ / Thân Khai Thí Nhậm
When I first heard the dharma friends from CSS SJ introduced the Altruistic Home Leaving Program (XGVT), I let them know right away that I wanted to join, because the thought of getting ordained had planted a seed in me for many years. Even when they emphasized that participating in XGVT, I will have my head shaved.
That was back in July 2024. In October 2024, the organizing team sent out the official registration announcement. And within a week or two, I completed the registration, paid the fee, started requesting time off from work, finding childcare, ordering the ceremonial robes for the XGVT retreat which began in April 2025. From registration to the moment I donned the robes of an aspirant, it was about six months. During that time, my heart was full of excitement. I studied mantras, listened to Dharma talks, explored the meaning of XGVT, connected with fellow participants, and prepared myself so that the practice would come more easily once the program began.
Was I worried? Yes. I was worried, first of all, whether I was “qualified” for the ordination when I knew very little of Buddhism or the Avataṃsaka teachings of the Venerable Master. I was also worried that what would my daily normal life look like without hair? Would I need to wear a hat or a wig? The question had lingered in my mind for months.
Just like other women, I loved my hair so much. I always made sure to use the best haircare products, and limited blow-drying to avoid damage. I liked watching hair styling short videos and playing around with my hair. But after deciding to shave my head, I wasn’t afraid of “losing” it because I knew it would always grow back eventually. In that 6 months, I looked in the mirror almost everyday and imagined how I’d look like – being bald.
Yet when the Master shaved my head and I entered the retreat, living among a Sangha of others who had no hair just like me; and even everyone said I looked “bright” and “beautiful”, I couldn’t bring myself to look in the mirror for days. Even when I needed to shave to keep my head smooth and shine, I avoided the mirror. It wasn’t until the fifth day. I saw myself as if I was a “man”, or “gangster”. My emotions were mixed, but I never regretted ordaining, not a day after returning to normal life. I didn’t bother wearing a wig in public or at work. I smiled when I saw children or strangers looking at me with curiosity in their eyes. The anxiety I once had about my bald head seemed to fall away like the strands of hair the Master cut off before I entered the retreat.
What I felt after shaving my head was: Lightness. And a lesson of “Letting Go.”
When I decided to ordain and to shave my head, I began learning to let go, for six months. Yet on the day I shaved my head, I was in shock. A real shock. Though that feeling has passed, I’ll never forget that feeling. I learned a priceless lesson: letting go is not easy. Even with something as simple as hair—something I knew would grow back—I still felt shaken. So what will it be like on the day I leave this life? How much more intense will that shock be?
For that, I discipline myself to practice dharmas—to truly let go with ease.
How long will I need to learn? I don’t know.
Will I succeed? I don’t know.
But I will keep learning.
Moreover:
Whether I ordain or not.
Whether I practice a lot or a little.
Whether I have hair or not.
Whether my hair is long or short.
All of it is sacred.
Becoming a novice nun for ten days was deeply sacred to me. My hair was sacred to me. Losing it was sacred to me as well. The life and dharma lessons I received after ordaining were sacred to me. Many people ask if I’ll do XGVT again. I honestly answered, I don’t know. Deep down, I know I will—but not sure when. Perhaps, whenever I’m ready.
I’ll be deeply grateful if people would help me preserve those sacred things.
Everything that comes into my life is a karmic connection.
I hope to keep and nurture those connections as wholesome ones.