Leaving home to become a temporary nun is a topic I dare not think about because I know my concentration is still weak. In 2019, Master Hang Truong held the Mandala in Japan, quite beyond my reach and dream.
On weekends, my husband and I joined a dharma sister in prostrating practice to support her since she was going to become a short-term nun later that year. At first, we only did prostration practice for 30 minutes, gradually increasing to 45 minutes. Once we practiced prostrating for an entire hour and I didn’t even notice that my knees had gotten scraped.
After that time, I suddenly came up with the idea of wanting to join the Altruistic Home-Leaving Sangha in Japan on behalf of my 86-year-old mother who was living in Vietnam with my siblings. Since the birth of my grandchildren, I rarely went back to visit my mom. It’s so true that “Tears only flow down”, or “River water only flows one way”, as the Vietnamese saying goes.
I finally registered to leave home to become a short-term nun. A week before my flight to Japan, I got the news about my mother’s death.
When I stepped onto the Land of the Rising Sun, it was a dream come true. Eventually, I learned to live in harmony with the sangha and practiced the life of a monastic undisturbed by the mundane world.
The day I had my hair cut by the Master, I felt very relieved, no regrets at all. In front of me and around me were familiar and unfamiliar people, yet I saw nothing but a clear sky in front of me. Only then did I understand that those who left home to become monastics were not to show off or be admired, but were experimenting whether they could really let go of everything.
I still remember the day when I joined the sangha for the three-steps-one-bow walk. We left the temple at 4am and gathered at the foot of the mountain. It was still dark when we started to head up from the foot of the mountain. Everyone was silent in the darkness, walking three steps and prostrating, following the bell of the leader. After a while I began to sweat, but felt chills and trepidation and I sensed many invisible faces on both sides of the road with my mother’s face among them. They just stood looking at us and didn’t seem fierce at all. I whispered in my head: There are so many ghosts!
When the three-steps-one-bow session ended on the top of the mountain, our group headed back to the temple to have breakfast. About half way, we caught up with the Master who stopped to talk and tell us that he met a headless ghost. I was also going to say that I also saw many ghosts. I don’t know why I was silent then. Maybe I’m embarrassed because I often told people that I had never met a ghost and that I’m not afraid of dead ghosts, just living ones. But that day I saw ghosts. Sitting down to write these words, I still had the feeling of getting goose bumps when I saw the ghosts standing on the dark side of the road.
In Japan, I enjoyed watching our monks and nuns standing in line waiting to enter the lecture hall. Those who had left home many times looked around to find old friends, while newcomers stood still for the first time, looking rather pensive and puzzled. These scenes reminded me of my school days. Before going to class, I’d have to stand in line for attendance or walk in pairs. I couldn’t leave the line, and sometimes I’d be reminded to straighten up my clothes, and so on.
I‘ve heard about Mandala from friends who attended it before, but I still could not imagine what it was really like. And finally I was present and seated in the Mandala. During the ceremony, I felt like I was in some sublime world. When the Master started singing a song I was not familiar with, my tears suddenly flowed. I didn’t know why I cried, perhaps because my dream has come true, or because I couldn’t be with my mother in her final moment; but maybe my mother could see through my heart.
Until now, I am still grateful to my group leader who always helps and encourages me in every way so that I can have the opportunity and means to learn the dharma. I am grateful to those in the Sangha for supporting, reminding, and helping me to cultivate. I’m especially grateful to my husband who sacrificed his overtime pay for me so that I could have enough money for my trip to Japan.
From now on, I firmly believe in the dharma. I vow to keep the precepts as my teacher and to always apply the dharma for self-improvement and self-transformation.
Ngô Thị Viên