Carol Chen / Thân Di Từ Thấu (親怡慈透)
I am Carol Chen, living in Taichung City. This year, I became a novice nun in the altruistic home leaving program for the very first time. It is not merely an ordinary event, but a profound turning point in my path of practice.
Last year, I joined the ordination retreat in the role of a dharma-protector. From that very moment, a new thought began to stir gently within my heart. Throughout the retreat, as I observed the simple lifestyle and disciplined practice of the novice monks and nuns, a deep admiration and reverence for the Sangha steadily grew within me. The aspiration to practice as they do, the ideal of cultivating for the benefit of others, gradually strengthened, and the seed of renunciation—long hidden within—was awakened. It began to sprout, reminding me that the vow of sangha life is not only for myself, but also opens a path for all those with whom I share karmic affinity in this lifetime.
When I returned home, my heart continued to tremble with emotions difficult to describe. The images of the novice monks and nuns arose in my mind—their gentle faces, their sincere hearts. I recalled the stories they shared about their reasons for ordaining, each word like a lamp illuminating the way. I also remembered the dharma talks of Su Phu, each drop of dharma rain soaking deeply into my heart, nourishing the seed of awakening. In those quiet moments, I heard a gentle voice arise from within: “If you truly wish to transform yourself, create the conditions so that next year you may step onto the path of ordination, diligently practicing.”
Beyond these shared conditions, I carried within me a personal reason for entering novice nun life: I wished to practice on behalf of my elderly family members. I believe that the altruistic spirit of ordination—practicing not only for oneself but also for others—would bring health, peace, and joy to my parents and to my mother-in-law in the remaining years of their lives. This hope flowed like a hidden stream within my heart, nourishing my determination and helping me remain steadfast on this path.
At the beginning of my first ordination, I carried many worries. Yet strangely, as soon as the retreat began, those anxieties quickly dissolved. I placed my full trust in the blessings of the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, relied completely on the collective energy of the Sangha’s practice, and received the gentle support of the dharma protectors. All of those helped me overcome each fear: fear of leaving home, fear of living with strangers, fear of giving up daily habits such as using a phone, eating freely, or doing whatever I pleased. My heart gradually opened, and where fear once resided, now only peace and lightness remained.
For many women, hair is something deeply cherished, and I was no exception. At times, I worried about shaving my head, for it was an image I had long relied upon. Yet when my hair was shaved away, I unexpectedly felt a profound relief. I realized I had just let go of an attachment, an invisible burden that had accompanied me for so long. Yesterday I had long hair, today I have none—but it was precisely this act of letting go that opened the door to freedom and spiritual strength, a new gateway into peace.
Throughout the retreat, I experienced many “moments of awakening”—quiet instants that imprinted deeply in my heart, transforming how I viewed myself and life. The teachings of the Su Phu opened new doors, helping me understand more clearly the darma of this new era. The Su Phu’s teachings revealed that spirituality must transcend the conventions of ordinary religion, for true practice means the continual evolution of consciousness.
Silent moments of meditation brought me profound inner peace. As I focused on the seeds of light, I gradually forgot the worries that had long pursued me. Chanting mantras in harmony with the Sangha brought pure joy, a sense of connection beyond words. These moments continually reminded me why I chose the path of ordination, whispering in my heart: “I am exactly where I need to be.”
The journey of first ordination is a journey of courage, of letting go, and of awakening. Though challenges arose, each step was steeped in gratitude—gratitude for the boundless compassion and wisdom of the Master, gratitude for the diligent practice energy of the Sangha, gratitude for the profound dharma of the Avataṃsaka Hand-Eye practice, gratitude for the chance to repay my parents and create merit for my mother-in-law. Above all, I am grateful for the small voice within my heart that led me here, to this place where every step becomes a vow.